To my younger self

 Hi Jen,

We are 38 now, but I am writing to a younger version of us.  (How's that for confusing?)

I am writing to the awkward, coke-bottle-glasses-wearing version.  Puberty is quick, though it may not feel it at the time.

I am writing to the shy version who loves to be involved, but whose energy is zapped in big crowds.  

I am writing to the sad version who just wants to be a mother and continuously watches others around her seemingly get pregnant with ease.

I am writing to the college version who was so close to finding her true self, and then it somehow went away.

Today, I am figuring out the secret.  The secret that I have worth just be being alive.  That no one else is going to put my happiness first, and it is not selfish to do so, even as a mother.  That I don't have to put others' needs above my own at all times.  That I don't have to solve everyone's' problems for them.  That I am in the body that I was given, and I need to love every curve, stretch mark and bad hair day.  

I am realizing how I need to speak to my body and my inner self the way I would speak to my best friend.  The way I would speak to my son.  The way I would speak to the most amazing person I know.

I am learning to live in the moment, no matter how small.  

Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu said, "If you're depressed, you're living in the past.  If you're anxious, you're living in the future.  If you are at peace, you're living in the present."

How simple is that?  And how true.  The more I focus on living in the moment, the happier I am becoming.  I am living in the midst of a global pandemic, and yet I am walking down the street with a cheesy grin on my face for reasons unknown in that moment.  

I would love to have reached this state (and whatever comes next) sooner in life.  But I think we all need to get there in our own time, with our own life experiences.  So many different things needed to happen to get me to this point.

I see my youngest sister, with her whole life ahead of her.  I see my middle sister who is killing it as a mom and yet struggling with similar concerns.  I see friends who are starting to experience similar awakenings.  (Is 38 the new 'mid-life crisis'?  Is it a crisis when you are loving the phoenix that you are becoming?)

I want to continue on this journey, because this is only the beginning.  The self-love is just starting to click.  The belief that I can do anything is just starting to take hold.  The willpower to take action is finally here.

And I want to help others experience this as well.  Our world is in a bit of a shit-show currently, with bad news and negativity sucking up all the attention.  I want to live my most authentic life, and I want to help others do the same.

If I could go back in time and share this knowledge with myself, I would.  But since I can't, I'll write.  And hope that someone is open to considering their worth as well.

Love, Me