Wake up

I am still debating just how raw I will get with this blog.  That whole concept of "How much is too much?"  

So for now, I will just say that 2020 was a year like no one could have anticipated.  In the background, I heard on the news about a strange disease in China.  But it didn't enter my conscious much, because this had happened before. Ebola, zika, bird flu, mad cow, etc.  Someone else's problem.  We all know what came next globally.

At the same time, my personal life was crashing down, and by late April, I was in a really tough place.  Everything that had felt safe and sound and secure was no longer, and I was floundering.  My sister, who has become one of my anchors this past year, suggested reading a book that she'd heard a lot about- "Untamed" by Glennon Doyle.

Struck. by. lightning.

I read this in days. Could not put it down.  Luckily, I had bought the book, because I think I dog-eared every few pages that felt like they had been written just for me.

If you are reading this first few posts and feeling an inkling like you are in similar shoes to me, please do yourself a favor and get this book.  I truly pinpoint reading this as a turning point for me.  Not for the problems specifically happening in 2020, but for things that had been in my subconscious for decades.  Things that I didn't even realize were holding me back.

Just a few of the many a-ha moments for me:

-Trusting your own intuition:  Glennon talks about turning to Google to decide whether she should leave her cheating husband or not.  She wrote, "why do I trust everyone on Earth more than I trust myself? WHERE THE HELL IS MY SELF? When did I lose touch with her?"   I felt that in my bones.

-Selflessness: "They convinced us to be afraid of ourselves.  So we do not honor our own bodies, curiosity, hunger, judgment, experience or ambition. Instead, we lock away our true selves. Women who are best at this disappearing act earn the highest praise: 'She is so selfless.'  Can you imagine?  The epitome of womanhood is to lose one's self completely."

-"Good enough": "Good enough is what makes people drink too much and snark too much and become bitter and sick and live in quiet desperation until they lie on their deathbed and wonder: 'What kind of life/relationship/family/world might I have created if I'd been braver?'"

Whoa.

Wake up call.  I wanted to be braver.