Don't be a 'good girl'

I am still debating just how raw I will get with this blog.  That whole concept of "How much is too much?"   So for now, I will just say that 2020 was a year like no one could have anticipated.  In the background, I heard on the news about a strange disease in China.  But it didn't enter my conscious much, because this had happened before. Ebola, zika, bird flu, mad cow, etc.  Someone else's problem.  We all know what came next globally. At the same time, my personal life was crashing down, and by late April, I was in a really tough place.  Everything that had felt safe and sound and secure was no longer, and I was floundering.  My sister, who has become one of my anchors this past year, suggested reading a book that she'd heard a lot about- "Untamed" by Glennon Doyle. Struck. by. lightning. I read this in days. Could not put it down.  Luckily, I had bought the book, because I think I dog-eared every few pages that felt like they had bee...

 Hi Jen, We are 38 now, but I am writing to a younger version of us.  (How's that for confusing?) I am writing to the awkward, coke-bottle-glasses-wearing version.  Puberty is quick, though it may not feel it at the time. I am writing to the shy version who loves to be involved, but whose energy is zapped in big crowds.   I am writing to the sad version who just wants to be a mother and continuously watches others around her seemingly get pregnant with ease. I am writing to the college version who was so close to finding her true self, and then it somehow went away. Today, I am figuring out the secret.  The secret that I have worth just be being alive.  That no one else is going to put my happiness first, and it is not selfish to do so, even as a mother.  That I don't have to put others' needs above my own at all times.  That I don't have to solve everyone's' problems for them.  That I am in the body that I was given, and I need to love ...

 Do you ever have those moments where it feels like you wake up from a fog? "What day is it?" "How is it already March?" "Wasn't it just Christmas?"   The fog lifts, you take note of the time marching by, and realize that there was something you wanted to do. Write a book. Lose 10 pounds before swimsuit season. Plan a vacation. Book a mani/pedi. You have a good inner dialogue about your amazing intentions and vow that this time, you will make it happen.  Then it is bedtime.  You go to bed, wake up in the morning, go to work, and resume your regularly scheduled life. It's a good one.  You enjoy it, you are optimistic, you are following the rules, being a "good girl."  Graduate high school. Go to college.  Find the love of your life.  Buy a home. Get married. Have kids. You have it better than so many.  You don't have to think about where your next meal is coming from.  You have shelter.  You are safe.  My God, how many peop...